Healed Wounds and Remaining Scars

So I guess maybe you guys will get an update from me every few months lol.  I know I promised to try to update more often, but life is just crazy!  I really am trying to slow down though, and really take time to listen for God's direction in my life.  I have started trying to step back from some of the bigger things that I have thrown myself into the past few years that I've used to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't have to really "deal" with life and all that has happened.  So that I wouldn't have to think about things.  But the problem with not facing your troubles is that it doesn't make them magically go away.  They're still there...waiting for you to slow down enough that they can catch back up to you.  So I'm slowing down and trying to work my way through a lot of the things that I've been hung up on.  And it's amazing the things that have come about since I've purposely made myself quit running so much and asked God to show me His will for certain areas of my life.  And to help me be ok and content with what His plans are for me, even if they're no where near what I thought I wanted.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that all I ever truly wanted out of life was to be a mom.  I've loved children all my life, and the only thing that ever mattered to me was to have kids of my own to love and raise.  And for the past few years, the possibility of that never becoming a reality has been a very bitter pill to swallow.  And one that I refused to even try to accept for the longest time.  But God has shown me recently that the truth is that He did give me what I wanted.  He gave me Kelsey.  He allowed me to be a mother.  No, I don't get to raise Kelsey, but I did get to love him.  I did get to hold him and kiss him.  And nothing can ever take that away from me.  And while I still miss him everyday, and I would give anything to hold him again, I finally have a peace about everything.  I can finally just be thankful for and cherish the time that I got to carry Kelsey and love him.  The last two and a half years have been the most difficult of my life, and there have been some really dark days.  To be completely honest, only my mom probably knows just how dark some of those days got, and sometimes I'm not sure that even she had a complete idea.  There were some really desperate times, and I am just so thankful that God kept holding on to me and didn't let me go.  He is so merciful it's overwhelming!  I know I am so undeserving of His grace and love.  Yet He loves me anyway.

I really have no clue what my future holds as far as having other children.  I would still love to have another child.  It's even still physically possible, as far as I know.  We know that I can get pregnant, and we know that I can carry a baby.  But God's been working on me, and for the first time in my life, I have a peace about it all.  I understand that maybe God has other plans for me that I just can't see yet.  I never in a million years thought I would ever be able to even think those thoughts, much less speak them out loud or write them down.  But He has been gracious and merciful to me and given me His "peace that passes all understanding".  And it definitely does pass it all, because I cannot explain it.  I just know that over the past few weeks, I've dealt with a precious child in my class who, for most of his short little life, has had to live in a nightmare.  I've dealt with a teenage girl who has lived in circumstances most of us couldn't imagine dealing with as adults, much less as kids.  And I've spent a lot of time holding the absolute most precious baby boy who belongs to a sweet friend of mine.  And through each of these beautiful little lives, God has shown me that, regardless of what I thought my plans were, He has a bigger plan for me than I could have ever imagined.  And while I don't know what His ultimate plan is, I know that whether I am ever able to bring home a child of my own or not, there will always be more out there who need someone to love them.  I was showing a friend of mine some pictures the other day of one of my church babies, and he said something about me having a lot of kids.  And he's right...I do have a lot of kids.  I have my school babies, my church babies, and my angel babies.  So while I am not giving up the hope of having a child of my own to raise, I am honestly able to say for the first time in my life, that I am ok with the possibility that that might not happen.  I know to many of you, that will sound like crazy talk coming from me, but it's the truth.  I just cannot explain how God has lifted that burden from me over the past few weeks and helped me to truly be at peace with everything that has happened.

My sweet friend sang a song this past Sunday called "Heal the Wound".  It was actually the first song I sang as a special at church, and I sang it after I had my miscarriage.  It talks about wanting God to heal our wounds but leave the scars behind as a reminder of how merciful He is and how far He has brought us.  I can finally say that God has healed the deepest wound of my heart.  I am at peace over Kelsey.  And I am thankful for my scars, both physically and emotionally.  I am thankful that he left me the reminders of what I've been through and where I've been.  And I pray that they remain so that I never forget that I didn't make it to this point on my own.  He has been there the whole time, even when I was unfaithful, unbelieving.  He stayed with me and carried me through it all.  I pray that anyone reading this will receive this message and know that Jesus loves you.  Even when you try to run.  Even when you don't listen.  He loves you and wants to be there for you.   All you have to do is trust Him.  Let Him carry you through your burdens.  Just let go and let God.

I love all of you and truly appreciate all the love and support you have all sent my way over the past few years.  I am grateful that God put so many wonderful people in my life to see me through the tough times.  I am truly blessed.

So Long, Blue Toes!

Ok, so as promised on facebook...the explanation behind the blue vs. pink toes.  Those of you who know me best, know that my toe nails have been painted various shades of blue for about two and a half years now.  Actually pretty much anybody who is around me regularly probably knows that lol.  So here's why... I first painted my nails blue the week after we had Kelsey.  I guess just as kind of a tribute to him.  And it became a must have.  I guess it was just my way of keeping him near me.  Always having something on me that represented him.  I've tried and tried to change the color and each time just couldn't do it.  The thought of not having that symbol of him on me would literally send me into hysterics.  So for two and half years, my toe nails have been literally every shade of blue you can find (much to the dismay of my mom, I might add! lol She's much too traditional and conservative for blue toes :)  Love you mama!).  And even though I realized that blue isn't a very "professional" color and doesn't match much of anything, I didn't care.  I wore my blue with pride, because, regardless of what everyone else thought, I knew the reason behind it.  I knew what it meant for me.  But, as most of you know, God has really been working on me.  And on July 1, 2014, He truly broke my heart and woke me up.  Made me realize that while I've been "religious" most all my life, I wasn't SAVED.  I was just going through the motions.  I realized that I've been miserable.  I've talked a good game and put on a good show, but deep inside, I've been dying.  There's been no peace, especially regarding the loss of Kelsey.  I've had no power to overcome the depression I've been experiencing.  I haven't had the ability to truly be happy for others who get to hold their sweet babies.  I've been so lost.  But thank the Lord, He has set me free!  I have never felt the kind of peace that I have now.  Of course I still miss Kelsey terribly.  And there are days it still breaks me down.  But I have a true peace in knowing where He is and knowing that I will be in Heaven one day as well.  I have a peace that lets me know that it's ok to let go of the pain; it's ok to let God have it all to handle.  I sure wasn't handling it by myself anyway.  He's always been there, holding me up.  Giving me the strength to get up and go on, even when I felt like it was impossible.  And so, as one last "I'm giving it up to you Lord" move before I was baptized today, the blue toes are gone.  Not without quite a few tears and a near panic attack initially, but they're gone.  Because I know Kelsey is always with me in my heart.  It doesn't take a set of blue toes to prove that.  And most of all, Jesus is with me.  He always has been.  I've just taken way too long to let go and let Him have it all.  Thank God He is patient, because I've been hardheaded.  I am so thankful for and humbled by the fact that He loves me so much that He would hold on to me even through my disobedience, my unbelief.  He truly is good ALL the time!

Still Standing

Wow, two years.  It's hard to believe that it's been that long since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet angel.  And yet, some days it feels like yesterday.  While I've been reflecting today over what the past two years have brought to our lives, I have to admit, it hasn't been easy.  Actually, there's probably been more difficult days than there have been easy days.  While trying to think about what I actually wanted to say on here tonight, I got to thinking about where I could have been had I been in a different mind set...had I not been saved...had a heart change.  I think about how I would have handled (or more than likely...not handled) the blows life has dealt us had I not had HOPE to hold on to.  I used to be one of those people who worried constantly about EVERYTHING.  I would make myself sick worrying about everything and everybody...letting every little thing get under my skin and make me a nervous wreck.  But in my reflection, I realize just how much I have grown through all of this, through our journey with Kelsey and in the two years since.  And I realize how thankful I am and should be.  Because those who know me, know that had it not been for my faith, and for God keeping me on my feet, there's no telling where I would be today.  Maybe drowning my sorrows in a bottle, or zoned out on antidepressants.  Who knows?  I can guarantee you, it wouldn't be good.  But instead, I am able to stand today.  I am able to function.  And while there are many days that still try to get the best of me, I can press on.  And there's only one reason for that:  JESUS!  He gives me the strength to stand when I don't have the power to do it on my own.  He has been so good to me even though I am nowhere near deserving of His mercy and grace.  And as hard as it was to say goodbye to Kelsey, I am extremely thankful for the little bit of time we had with him.  I know I am very blessed to have gotten to hold him, love and kiss on him, let him know just how much he is loved.  So many mothers don't get that opportunity, and for that, I am thankful.  And I am thankful that I know I will be with him again one day.  I have hope, because I know where I am headed one day.  I know that, despite all of my shortcomings and failures, my Jesus loves me and forgives me for all of those things.  I can stand on His promise.  And that promise gives me the strength to keep pressing forward in this life until it's time for me to move on from this world.  My heart aches for those who do not have this hope.  I just can't imagine what life is like without it.  I know there are many days that that is all that I have to hold on to.  And without it, life would be very dark and full of despair.  So, my question to you is...do you have that hope?  Have you been set free from darkness and despair?  Do you know where you are headed after this life is over?  I pray that you think long and hard about your life, your actions, your thoughts.  Take every thought captive and live every moment for Jesus.  That's the only real hope and joy we can have in this life.  That's the only thing that can truly keep us standing.

I love you all and thank you for all the thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way, especially over the past couple of days.  They have been tough.  We visited Kelsey's grave today to take new flowers and release two balloons since it is his second birthday in Heaven.  Lord knows we miss him so bad.  Parents, kiss your children and never take them for granted.  There are so many who would give anything for just another minute with their babies.  Until next time...

Answers and Prayers

I know it's been way too long since I've posted.  Don't really even know where to start.  I guess I thought that after we made it to Kelsey's first birthday that maybe things would get easier.  But some days the pain feels as sharp as it did the day he left us.  Sometimes it's just his memory that pops up, or maybe an invitation to someone's baby shower for their little boy.  I never know when it is going to hit.  A couple of weeks ago, our world was rocked.  I had been following the story of a senator from another state.  She had made an announcement that her unborn child had been diagnosed with Potters Syndrome...the same thing Kelsey had.  She is a pro-life advocate in congress and opted to continue her pregnancy like we did.  So my fellow Potters moms and I followed her story.  A couple of weeks ago, she and her husband, along with her doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital announce that her baby girl was two weeks old!  Supposedly the first known living survivor of Potters.  And even crazier than that, the treatment that she received was something that some potters mothers that I have met over the past year and a half had asked for but were denied because it supposedly wouldn't do any good.  So imagine our grief and devastation when we were told that a "senator's baby" was given a treatment that others were denied, and she lived.  This caused major hysteria in the Potters community.  Many of us questioned whether or not we pushed hard enough for our babies.  Did we do everything possible to give our babies the best shot at survival?  Why did the senator get this treatment that others were not given even at that same hospital?  It was also just a stab in the heart to think that a cure was soooo close for Kelsey but yet so far away.  So after a couple of days of serious self-doubting, many, many tears, and a major flow of emotions that had become somewhat controlled, a friend of mine contacted the doctors at the University of Iowa who are the only Potters researchers that we know of.  We couldn't understand how, if this treatment was so simple (and had actually been around for a while even though her doctors claimed it was new), then why hadn't they already figured it out?  One of the doctors' response to our questions was the following (paraphrased in my own words).  Basically what he said was, of course, that he couldn't make a definite statement without knowing all the details of her case.  But he did say that in true cases of Potters Syndrome, there are no kidneys.  But there is also no renal tissue at all.  In order for the senator's baby to be able to produce urine and have a surgery to put her on dialysis, she had to have some renal tissue.  Therefore, the doctors probably misdiagnosed her from the beginning.  Of course, you and I both know that they will probably never admit that they were wrong.  And probably will never apologize for causing so much anguish in the Potters community.  But I am very thankful for the awesome doctors/researchers at U of I who are willing to take time out of their busy lives to answer the emails of distraught parents.  While I am very thankful that the senator's baby girl is a survivor and is expected to probably go on to live a long, productive life, I just wish that the doctors would take the time and have the humility to admit they were wrong.  There's no telling how many Potters parents are still second-guessing themselves because they didn't know that they could contact the researchers for answers and reassurance.  It is my hope that maybe some of them will see this blog and be comforted by knowing that they did all they could for their babies.

On another note, I would like to ask for your continued prayers.  I have been experiencing some health issues.  Nothing that I will go into details about today.  But I really would appreciate your prayers.  They have gotten us through this far, and I know that we will continue to receive strength from them now.  Also, I have an even more pressing prayer request.  A dear friend of mine lost her precious grandson this weekend.  Her daughter-in-law was five months pregnant.  Please pray for this precious family as they say goodbye to a sweet little angel.  Losing a child, I believe, is the hardest thing a person could ever have to go through.  They are going to need many, many prayers to get through this week and the coming months and even years.  I pray that God will give them the love and support that I received during our trial.  Without His strength and love, I would not be standing today.  I am so thankful that He chose to love someone such as me who never deserved His love to begin with.

Thank you for all of your love and support that you all have shown us over the past year and a half.  You will never know how much your prayers, love, and generous acts of kindness mean to me.  I will forever be grateful for those who have stood beside us, held us as we cried, prayed for and with us, and held us up when we didn't have the strength to stand on our own.  You are such a blessing.  Until next time...(and maybe not so long this time :))  Love and Prayers!

Kelsey's First Birthday in Heaven

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday we were anxiously awaiting the arrival of our precious Kelsey. And then everything happened so fast. It's funny...I've spent today looking back on this time last year, and I've remembered somethings that I didn't even realize or notice last year. Like how I actually remember the times I had my epidural or the Pitocin. Or that we buried him on St. Patrick's Day. It's crazy how your mind works in times of great stress and trauma. I guess it just takes in just what you need to get through the moment. There's still a lot of gaps in my memory from the time immediately before and after Kelsey was born. Maybe they'll gradually fill in like they have today, or maybe they won't. Who knows? I do know that I am so thankful for the time we had with Kelsey. I miss him so much that it takes my breathe away at times. But it's a comfort to know he is with my Heavenly Father. He is happy, and all he's ever known is love... Both on earth and now in Heaven. I would give anything to hold him again, to tell him I love him and see him grow. To see him have a blast with his smash cake and balloons and icecream. But since we can't, we did the next best thing, and released a butterfly birthday balloon. God blessed us with a beautiful day, and the balloon was very slow in rising out of sight. It gave me a little comfort that it hung around, almost as if Kelsey was saying I'm here. I'm ok. I know he is, but it just helped my heart a little to feel like he was near. I love you my angel. Happy first birthday!

A New Journey

I know it's been a long time since I posted. The past few months have been tough... Actually, at times it's seemed worse than when Kelsey left us. Going through the holidays, and even at times just the day to day life can be almost unbearable. You would think that the longer we go, the easier it would get, but that's just not the case. As Kelsey's first birthday approaches, I get more and more anxious...more uptight, as hard as I try not to. There are days when he is all I can think about. Sometimes that's a good thing...others it's not. Sometimes it's a day full of tears and longing and heartache. If I am honest with myself, and honest with you, I have to confess that there have been days where I've just wanted to give up. Not suicide...i don't believe in that. I've wanted to just pray for God to take me home. I've let myself go physically. Not eating right, not taking meds just like I should. I just haven't cared since we lost Kelsey. But I know that's just the human in me. And God keeps reminding me that I have a purpose here on this earth. That there are people here who love me and students who need me. So, starting today, I'm starting over. I realize that if we want to have another child, I need to take care of myself. I also know that God has a plan for me, even though it's hard to see right now. Things get pretty dark. Depression, yes I finally admitted it's there, is a dark, tiring place to be. Thankfully, when I feel like I'm going to completely drown, He rescues me. He gives me hope, and keeps me going. It is my prayer today that He will keep me going on this new journey to a healthier life...exercising, healthier eating, healthier relationships, and a stronger spiritual life. I share this with you to ask for your prayers and support. I have never been a fitness person or the most motivated in that area. I know it is going to take a lot of prayer and encouragement to stay on this journey. It is my hope that I can honor my God and my son through this endeavor. It terrifies me because I'm so afraid of failing. All past attempts have ended with just that...failure. But I know I have a precious little one and a loving Father looking down on me. Father, I pray for strength and peace. For endurance and motivation. I pray that you shine Your light through me for others to see. I've heard other angel mommies talk this week about the depression they're facing as well. Let me be a help to them Lord. This is a hard journey and a tough hand we've been dealt. Help us through it by your grace and mercy. Comfort us as only You can. Thank you for using my story to honor You and to honor my sweet Kelsey's short but oh so important life. I love You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
I can't promise it won't be a while before I post again. I never know when the mood/message will strike. So until then, please pray for us. Thank you all for being there for us. We love you!

Emotional rantings of a tired mother of an angel baby

It's been so long since I've posted that I don't even know where to start. To be honest, I just haven't had a lot to say or been in the mood. And I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. Even now, words are not easily found. But I know some of you have been wondering and worrying, so I decided I'd better at least write something. So here goes... Each passing month seems to be harder to bear, especially with the holidays coming up so fast. It just doesn't seem right that the rest of the world can just keep going when all I want to do is go back and hold Kelsey. I see so many precious babies who have parents who couldn't care less about them and I just want to scream! I know God has a plan for me, but sometimes it's really hard to even imagine what that might be. My heart is just completely broken. And for those of you who think I should just move on already, until you've been there, and I pray you NEVER will, you have no idea. I know the "you can try agains" and the "you're still youngs" mean well. But it doesn't help. It feels like Kelsey is being dismissed, even though I know that isn't the intention. And I know only people who have been there understand. I miss my son so much, and I love to talk about him. I know that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but I'm sorry. Kelsey is and always will be a part of me and who I am. I love to share stories of our time with him. And when people ask me questions about him, it makes me feel good because it validates his life and the fact that he was here, if only for a little while. With that being said, I wasn't planning to rant. I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest.  And just for the record, none of my rantings were directed at anyone in particular...just the public in general. I understand that pregnancy and infant loss is a taboo subject. In sharing my story/rantings, I hope to help people understand more so that they can better handle themselves in the future.
On another note, I would like to ask for your continued prayers. I went in for my yearly checkup a couple of weeks ago. While all my tests were fine (other than blood pressure because sitting in that place for an hour sent me into a anxiety attack by the time I got into my truck), there is some issues we've dealt with in the past that have returned and could hinder us in getting pregnant again, especially any time soon should we decide to.  And like I said earlier, I know God has a plan for us. I just have to trust in His will and not mine, which is so much easier said than done.
One more thing and then I'm done. I would like to ask you to pray for a friend of mine and her precious little girl, Ally. I don't think she would mind me sharing this with you because the more people we have praying for Ally, the better. Ally was born with many birth defects including problems with her kidneys, lungs, bowels, and other areas. She is currently on dialysis and has developed an infection that doctors cannot figure out. They may have to move her to another hospital and do another type of dialysis. Please pray for healing for this precious child of God and for comfort and rest for her family. I know they would be very appreciative of any prayers sent their way.
Until next time...